it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
