I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
All I want is dick and wine.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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