in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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