I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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