I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
