Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
