ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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