Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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