last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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