I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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