Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
