It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
