Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
