fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
