I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
