I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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