Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
