the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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