hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
