i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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