Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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