Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
