my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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