Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
