I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
