Your face is a jimmy john
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
