Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
