Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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