she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
my poor anus
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
