I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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