note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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