I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
