Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
