i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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