I wish I only lived at night.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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