Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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