My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
