If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
