I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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