And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
