I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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