In the future we'll all be gay
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
