i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
