no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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