People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
