There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
