My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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