I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
