Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
