You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
