Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
