How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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