Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
