Your face is a jimmy john
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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