I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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