thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
